Welcome to Pop' n’ Pizza, a weekly newsletter highlighting what’s new in pop culture and pulp fiction. WRESTLEMANIA — the Showcase of the Immortals — is only a week away, and to celebrate, I’m publishing wrestling movie reviews leading up to the big event. This week, I’m talking about 1986’s BAD GUYS. 🍕🥤
BAD GUYS
Directed by Joel Silberg (of BREAKIN', RAPPIN' and LAMBADA), 1986's BAD GUYS tells the story of cousins Skip Jackson (Adam Baldwin) and Dave Atkins (Mike Jolly), two hotshot LA cops who find themselves caught up in the wacky world of professional wrestling.
After getting suspended for — you won't believe this — police brutality, Skip and Dave decide it's time for a career change. Trading in their peaked caps and batons for hard hats and hammers, the boys find work at a construction site, but they're kicked off the job after Skip gets caught nailing the foreman's ol' lady. Classic Skip!
Next, the dynamic dudes pursue a career in stripping. As The Bull Brothers, Skip and Dave do a steamy striptease complete with high-fiving, running in place, and synchronized jumping jacks set to "The Sam & Dave Medley" by Stars on 45 Soul Revue. Dear reader, you haven't lived until you've seen two ex-cops haphazardly undress to a funky disco remix of "Soul Man."
Unfortunately, Skip and Dave are simply too hot for this line of work. Their cummerbund-busting gyrations cause the sex-crazed cougars in the crowd to riot. I mean, this is a small business we're talking about here. Aunt Nellie's can't afford the extra security needed to book The Bull Brothers on a weekly basis, not to mention the property damage that comes with sex riots. It would be selfish and, quite frankly, irresponsible to let Skip and Dave strip again.
Enter Janice Edwards (Michelle Nicastro), sports reporter for The Valley News, who sees Skip and Dave as the next big thing in professional wrestling. She sends the duo to Terrible Turk McGurk (Gene LeBell), a crusty old-timer who turns pencil-necked geeks into squared-circle jerks. Turk and his wife, Petal McGurk (Ruth Buzzi), train Skip & Dave and give them a gimmick: the Boston Bad Guys.
Why Boston? Is this an homage to that toothless jobber "The Duke of Dorchester" Pete Doherty? Unlikely. When Dave objects, "But we've never been to Boston," Ruth Buzzi's Petal responds, "Who gives a shit!?" And she's right. It doesn't matter if they're really from Boston. What? You thought Cactus Jack was really from Truth or Consequences, New Mexico? All that matters is that they're bad. And brother, these guys are real bad.
Concerning, however, is their wrestling attire. You probably imagine the Boston Bad Guys as rough 'n' rowdy brawlers from the streets of Southie, proud of their Irish-American heritage, don't you? Well, you're dead wrong, my friend. The BBG are wearing animal hides and gimp masks, like the marauders from THE ROAD WARRIOR if they were Appalachian perverts. Why? Who knows. "Who gives a shit!?"
The Boston Bad Guys hit the road, selling out huge buildings like the San Bernadino Arena and squaring off against formidable foes like the Evergreen Padres — priests who wrestle for the Lord. The Bad Guys are becoming one of the hottest heel acts in the business, much to the chagrin of rival manager Lord Percy (James Booth of AMERICAN NINJA 4: THE ANNIHILATION), who doesn't want those dirtbags to steal the spotlight away from his team, the Kremlin Krushers (Alexia Smirnoff and Jay York).
To promote their next appearance, Skip and Dave, now dressed as cavemen, shoot a music video set to "Bad Guys" by the all-female rock band Precious Metal from the 1985 album Right Here, Right Now.
It's those bad guys
That you wish you never met
It's those bad guys
That'll bleed you 'til your dead
And thus, the stage is set for the final act — a main event showdown between The Boston Bad Guys and the Kremlin Krushers. But first, more training montages! Both teams prepare for the challenge ahead of them, set to "Snap Dance" by Paul Chiten and Hand Tools:
Snap Dance
You can rap while you snap
Let your fingers do the walking; let your legs do the talking
It's a Snap Dance
If you're unfamiliar with Paul Chiten, like I was up until two minutes ago, he performed the theme song to 1985's TRANSYLVANIA 6-5000. So yeah, he's a pretty big deal. Anyway, The Boston Bad Guys are now The All-American Good Guys, peeling off their Super Dave Osborne jumpsuits to reveal new red-white-and-blue wrestling trunks. You see, Skip and Dave were trying to be something they weren't — fur-wearing weirdos — when, deep down, they've always been clean-cut, freedom-loving babyfaces.
It's been a long journey for these two men, from cops to construction workers to strippers to professional wrestlers, but Skip and Dave never backed down. They never took "no" for an answer. They persevered in the face of adversity, and now these proud patriots are going to beat the living hell out of those no-good commie Krushers. It's the American Dream writ large, baby. USA! USA! USA!
There to watch it all unfold is special guest Sgt. Slaughter. Surely, the Kremlin Krushers won't do anything stupid, like lay their filthy hands on the ol' Stars and Stripes, while A Real American Hero™ is at ringside. The match begins with the babyfaces delivering dropkicks and flying head scissors while the heels brutalize their opponents with chops and clubbing forearms.
When the Good Guys get the upper hand — literally, as Dave applies the Iron Claw — Lord Percy sends in his bodyguard, Professor Toru Tanaka (THE RUNNING MAN, 3 NINJAS), to break it up. As Sgt. Slaughter astutely points out in his Midwestern accent, "That guy don't belong in there!" Sworn to defend and uphold the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic, Slaughter springs into action, throwing lariats and swinging steel chairs.
As Slaughter applies his signature hold, the Cobra Clutch, to Tanaka, the Krushers grab the American flag and beat Skip & Dave mercilessly. Then, as foretold in the ancient texts, they try to rip Old Glory to shreds, but Terrible Turk McGurk won't let them. As Turk wrestles the flag away, the Good Guys hit a double dropkick that would bring a tear to Robert Gibson's glass eye.
Dave climbs to the top rope and proclaims, "Say goodnight, Boris!" before landing a devastating one-legged dropkick. He goes for the pin while Skip hits a Sunset Flip on the other Krusher. 1! 2! 3! It's pandemonium! They're literally hanging from the rafters! Sgt. Slaughter leads the crowd in a chant of "USA! USA! USA!" It's a fairytale ending — the kind that can only be told in the squared circle.
Look, THE BAD GUYS is not a good movie. But I think you knew that already. Unless you're one of those dummies who thought Cactus Jack was really from Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. And while it isn't as entertaining as other notable entries in the genre, like BODY SLAM or GRUNT! THE WRESTLING MOVIE, there's enough cheese to warrant a watch.
Unfortunately, THE BAD GUYS doesn't have a physical release, nor is it available for streaming anywhere, making it hard to track down. Until the Criterion Collection comes to its senses and gives us a 4K Ultra HD release, @bummersummer4935 has uploaded the entire movie to YouTube in stunning VHS quality. You can watch it there, or don't! "Who gives a shit!?"
This article is included in THE ATOMIC ELBOW #38. Click here to pick up a copy of the world’s best professional wrestling zine.
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